Tomorrow I’m biting the bullet and rewriting my posts. At least I still have all the pictures.
Anonymous asked: How many Candy do you eat anyday erryday
A staggering amount. It is a surprise I don’t have diabetes.
Anonymous asked: given the opportunity, how many candy cocks would you suck?
I still have all the pictures, but I didn’t back up the text.
WELP, LIVE AND LEARN
This article will have substantially fewer images. You’ll find out why.
It’s not often that you find 2 candies from the same set that are both great and absolutely terrible. Such, however, was the case with these.
I first saw the regular variety at the local supermarket, on sale for 85 cents a package. With little to lose, I figured I’d buy a package and try something new. I didn’t particularly have much hope for them, they were neglected on some low shelf and simply looked to be Starburst’s answer to Fruit Gushers. What I wasn’t expecting, however, was that they were going to unlock some deep memory of my childhood, hidden away behind the many candies since then. The outer coating, the main body of the candy- tasted just like Fruiti-Os. Everyone I’ve had try these candies has said the same thing. After being hit by a wave of nostalgia, I’d been buying them every now and then. Then, one day, I saw another box next to them I hadn’t spotted before- a sour variant of the same candy. I thought to myself-
“I like these candies, and I like sour things. Both, in the same package? Wonderful!”
Oh, how wrong I was.
To start off, the packages are about 3.5 inches high and 6 inches wide, holding 1.5 ounces of candy- or in units regular people can actually use, that’s about 10 quarter-sized candies on average.
Flavor spread was pretty good, no flavor outnumbering the others outside of margin of error, all the good stuff. The flavors are actually fairly well-defined, as per the blind tests I subject most flavored candies to. That, however, is significantly overpowered by their similarities to Fruiti-Os, which I’ve been trying to find in-store for a few weeks now and might just end up ordering off of Amazon.
Here we’ve got the 4 flavors- the colors of which aren’t that well-defined. Can you tell which one is lemon cherry? I think it’s the pink one. Having thoroughly inspected and enjoyed the regular variant of these candies, I was excited to open to sour kind. I’d let my hopes up too high.
My first impression was not the best. One green one? Just one? Unlike the regular kind, the flavors are not mixed, the green ones are just plain apple. After moving on from my disappointment, I decided to try them. I started with the sole green one, of course.
It was fucking terrible.
I’m completely serious. Do not buy these.
The sour powder, grains too large with a base too soft and chewy- eating these things was like shoveling spoon after spoon of gravel into my face- there may have been only 9 of them, but it felt like ages. Oh, yes, I ate them all. Every single one. I did it for you, in the name of quality articles. I didn’t bother doing a blind flavor test, having been preoccupied with shoving these monsters past my tears into my mouth and trying desperately to swallow them whole to minimize my suffering. These aren’t the candies you give to people you hate. That would be too cruel. I think the man who invented these meant well, he really did- but my real blame goes to whomever gave these the green light for mass production- my guess is he’s sitting in a hot tub in Hell right now, sharing a plate of these with Kim Jong Il.
Here are the two candies side-by-side. The apple one has got a strawberry filling- the other one is filled with… Something. Flavored slime? Orphan blood? The world may never know.
Don’t buy these.
I’m going to start this off with a simple disclaimer.
I am heavily biased towards sour candies. I like them, I really like sour things. That said, these things are probably sour to someone. Someone who isn’t me. What else could warrant the disclaimer on the back- “CAREFUL- SOUR LEVEL MAY CAUSE IRRITATION TO THE MOUTH.”
Getting into this, I wasn’t expecting much in the way of a truly sour candy. It’s an Easter candy, for a holiday for children (No, that is not a crack at the religious aspect of the holiday), so you can’t expect it to be on par with limes and Warheads.
The bag is about 8”x4”, bright green as visible in the opening photo (and the photo of the opening), and holds a good 10 ounces of candy. That’s 7 servings by the way, a recommendation I promptly ignored during an at-home screening of the movie Akira. Crazy’s all I’ve got to say on that front.
Back to candy, though- The bag has on it pictures of rabbits, likely implied to be the shape and supposed size of the candies. As soon as I opened the bag, I found I was wrong on both counts. They are not that large, each one about the size of a dime. And they are DEFINITELY not rabbit-shaped.
After my initial disappointment, I sat down and sorted them out by color. The flavors (Orange, Cherry, Apple, and Watermelon) are sadly dispersed in the proportions least friendly to my tastes (If there is someone out there that likes cherry candy, let me know) with the order of most to least frequent being Cherry, Watermelon, Apple, Orange.
Just out of view is all the sour powder that has been falling off the candies through this article- I’ll touch back on that later. After getting over my disapproval of their color spread, I tasted one of each flavor. I could barely tell the difference. They tasted only slightly (or in the case of the apple ones, not at all) like their corresponding advertised fruits.
With little else to do, I started cutting them in half. As expected, they’re the same material all the way through. No surprises here. Though I did intend to eat the rest while watching a movie (The best and most socially acceptable way to eat an entire bag of candy), I messed around a bit and had some fun, I’d made a few fusions by cutting them in half and pairing them back up with other flavors. The taste remained unchanged. So, of course, I decided to test their worth as campfire fodder.
They still didn’t look like rabbits.
Oh, but regarding that sour powder- a completely unholy amount of powder came off of these candies. You might not be able to tell how much there was because I failed to add any sort of size reference, but here, have a picture.
Looks like a damn Scarface outtake.
And as soon as I thought of that sentence while eating these butterfly-shaped taste-confused monstrosities, I realized nothing was going to stop me from taking this next picture.
Warning- This is going to be the first and only blog post here with no pictures in it. From here on out, there will be pictures, even if I have to smear my own blood on a canvas in a crude attempt to portray exactly how much I dislike dark chocolate.
I figure it’s difficult to start up a good blog without a first post that really sets the stage for those to come. While, at some point, this will eventually turn to reviews of newer candies that I’m trying for the first time (#3- Jolly Rancher Sour Bunnies) or candies that I find in a discount bin at Big Lots (#8- Sir Chewy), with a few pieces of candy history thrown in on occasion (#12- History of the M+M), I’ve decided to start this off on what is not the right foot, left foot, good foot, or bad foot, but a foot we can all agree with.
The 100 Grand bar.
I’ve yet to meet anyone that doesn’t like them. They’re chewy, crispy, and chocolatey. They’re nearly impossible to dislike, unless you have braces, and are also lactose-intolerant, and can be found at most Safeways or comparable supermarkets.
First off, let me say this- If you don’t like 100 Grand bars, you are a filthy communist.
Now that’s out of the way, we can continue.
They come in a red film wrapper, containing 2 individual bars (No, nobody went to the store and broke all the full-length 100 Grand bars in half, and yes, you know who you are) made of chocolate, caramel, and crisped rice. It is, in essence, a Crunch bar, rolled around a stick of caramel. Now, this isn’t “orange goop that oozes out of Cadbury bars” kind of caramel, this is “quick, grab the apples while this stuff is still hot” kind. Thick, as caramel should be. This is definitely a sweet candy, with two of the three ingredients so sweet, and the rice is really neither sweet nor sour, nor anything else, it’s simply… rice. It has its value in the crunch it provides.
To be eaten a bit at a time (or chewed on for those who like having their teeth stuck together), it’s a good treat for most any time. My only problem is that it contains a chocolate coating, so it can melt under the right (er, wrong) conditions, leaving you with a slightly devalued 75 Grand bar.
With no real jokes to make or visual comedy to be applied in this post, I’m going to leave it at that, and wait until my next post to really get into the reviews.
Until next time.
This marks (or rather, is) the first post on this blog, Candy, All Day Erry Day.
Updates are Tuesdays and Thursdays at 2PM, feeding from a queue.